After the recent acquisition of another AK-47 by a co-worker at the music club, it seemed like an opportune time to revisit the South Carolina backwoods in search of the legendary Aiken County Slurtoth. This time we would have two of the high speed lead dispensers to battle the sloth-tortoise bastard zombie child. "The hardest part about the zombie apocalypse will be pretending that I'm not excited about it," explains our house engineer Magic John who was taking his Serbian Zastava M70 out for the first time.

Columbia SC Photographer Sean Rayford vs. The Slurtoth

As we lurched through Orangeburg County, we played games, trying to identify which trailer parks were most likely meth factories and which bars we wouldn’t want to go in alone. Anything to help ease our minds. We were all too well aware of the dangers that lurked in the woods in Aiken County. Armed with the information that the Slurtoth would be attracted to loud noises, we proceeded to shout “That’s what she said” jokes as we removed some small trees by machete and with the help of a Mossberg 12 gauge shotgun. I plugged in the television and we watched Night Court at full volume. Earlier in the day we had learned from a truck driver in the Gaston Burger King that the Slurtoth was very keen on Night Court. The BK fries sucked as usual.

Columbia SC Photographer Sean Rayford vs. The Slurtoth

We watched a few episodes and shouted more “That’s what she said jokes.”

It worked.  The television flickered and changed to an episode of Quantum Leap that no one had seen before. Scott Bakula was dancing on a stripper pole and when he glanced into the mirror he saw the naked Slurtoth in a large barn littered with Natty Light and beef jerky wrappers. It smelled like Krispy Kreme donuts. Confederate and Nazi flags hung from the ceilings and Mark Sanford and Nikki Haley were in the front row, making it rain with Confederate money.  In satellite number one General Lee pranced around on a pink miniature horse.

Columbia SC Photographer Sean Rayford vs. The Slurtoth

And like any red blooded patriots - we panicked and let loose with the morgue tickets. Had we waited for Scott Bakula to emerge from the television I believe we could have eliminated the monster.

Columbia SC Photographer Sean Rayford vs. The Slurtoth Columbia SC Photographer Sean Rayford vs. The Slurtoth

Columbia SC Photographer Sean Rayford vs. The Slurtoth Columbia SC Photographer Sean Rayford vs. The Slurtoth

Ryan and his Romanian WASR 10, described by Magic as a "Star Wars space blaster."

Columbia SC Photographer Sean Rayford vs. The Slurtoth Columbia SC Photographer Sean Rayford vs. The Slurtoth

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